Numb
by Sakura Sango
Summary: Kamui knew just how badly Subaru wanted to feel the other man's love. And yet he always found himself in Seishirou's place trying to help Subaru wash away the numbness that would wash over him.


Fandom: X/1999  
Title: Numb.  
Author: Saku (arizonaicerose)  
Theme(s): 9.(shattered heart)  
Pairing/Characters: Subaru/Kamui  
Rating: R  
Warnings: male/male (yaoi), with semi-lemon-ish scenes (they are not full on explaining but the act is being done- if that helps explain that part), angst, 1 or 2 (maybe 3 times) swear words later on...  
Disclaimer: I don't own it nor do I imply that I do. I am only borrowing the X/1999 characters and world for my fun, only to return them once I have had my fill of them. (Though they may be slightly more wrinkled/torn/disturbed/or whatever else then when I took them.)  
Summary: Kamui knew just how badly Subaru wanted to feel the other man's love. And yet he always found himself in Seishirou's place trying to help Subaru wash away the numbness that would wash over him.  
Extra A/N: This was written for LJ 30angsts

_x-x-x-_

Kamui laid on his back, knees almost touching his chest as he stared at the wall to his side. Somewhere at the foot of the bed, he could feel Subaru moving around- probably getting ready. But it really didn't matter to Kamui what was going on. Instead he laid on the bed perfectly still, waiting and knowing what would happen next.

Unblinking he stared at a small hole in the wall.

'_Just about the size of a fist,_' Kamui realized as he held his hand up for comparison, folding it into a tight fist, his eyes squinting slightly to compare. They were about the same size. Sighing he let the hand fall back onto the soft comforter, unable to break eye contact with the hole.

_'When did he smashed his hand into the wall,'_ Kamui wondered silently as he felt the bed shift next to him. He was going to have to keep a closer eye on him, be there for him more often.

Unconsciously his hands tightened, grasping the comforter in a tight grip, his knuckles turning white. Swallowing he closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable pain that would grip his body. It was the same every time they met.

Subaru had just returned from 'going out for some fresh air,' as he had put it earlier that day. However Kamui knew better, it was hard to fool someone that had been inside your heart. That venture had left the two with an unbreakable bond. Kamui knew when Subaru was lying and vice versa.

Silently, without alerting the others, Kamui had snuck out of his bedroom window- feeling like the teenager he was- and followed closely behind the onmyoji, making sure to not be too close yet not lose him as the boy mingled with the crowds.

He had watched him and the assassin meet up and fight- neither winning nor losing. Kamui forced himself to stay hidden outside the kekkai not coming forward to help or save Subaru. It hurt him to do so, to stand in the distance and watch, but he knew nothing good would come if he did jump in. This was Subaru's fight. Not his.

'_Not mine,_' Kamui repeated as he tried to keep his breathing normal. He could feel the onmyoji push his legs up higher, easier access for him. Breathing deeply Kamui could feel the lubed head poke at his entrance, a last warning before plunging in.

Kamui cried silently, his back arching in a sharp arch as he twisted his hands, forcing them to remain on the blanket. Knuckles turned whiter as dark eyes slid shut a lone tear escaping from them. The lone tear slid down his cheek and onto the dark comforter, to disappear from the world forever.

Every time was the same when the two meet. With each meeting Subaru had to relive the fact that his love for the assassin was turned away, that it was only one sided. To never be felt back. Even if his sister had died in the hands of that man, Kamui knew just how badly Subaru wanted to feel the other man's love.

And every time it was turned down, he would come back to the house. Looking for comfort, a comfort and release that he could only find with one other person. Kamui.

Every time Kamui found himself on the bed, his body no longer under his control as Subaru took out his frustrations on him. Somehow Kamui knew it was better this way...It was better for the onmyoji to take it out this way.

At least this way he could heal his heart. The same heart that shattered with every meeting. Even if it broke Kamui's, it was still better in his book that his heart be broken instead of Subaru's. After all he was The Kamui!

It was his fate. A fate he knew he chose for himself, a fate he allowed.

Tears fell from his eyes as Kamui silently cried for the pain. The pain his body went through and the pain he could feel in Subaru's heart.

The onmyoji pushed Kamui's knees further back, till they almost touched his ears. The teen whimpered in pain as he was pushed down further into the mattress, the thrusts becoming harder and more desperate. His waist was starting to hurt as he was pulled into the awkward positions- Kamui was no gymnast, his body could only stand so much bending and twisting before it reached the limit. And his limit was almost met.

However instead of focusing on his pain, Kamui forced his focus onto the wall. At the hole that had been punched.

Breathy moans fell from Subaru's mouth as he pushed his face closer to Kamui's, his eyes closed tightly. He never looked when they were together- it would destroy the fantasy. He did not want to see the teenager under him with knees pressed up to his chest. No he wanted to see the man that he held in his fantasy.

Subaru wished that he could be with Seishirou instead, either pounding Seishirou into the mattress or letting the assassin pound him into it.

But it would never happen. The assassin made it perfectly clear each and every time he saw the boy. And every time his heart would break to the point that he would become numb. Or at least that was before Kamui offered his body to take away the pain and numbness. And it would work. At least until the next time he had to go out.

Grunting Subaru grasped Kamui's ankles tightly as he pushed the teen further into the mattress, his breath puffing over the boy's face. His end was nearing. He was nearing to blissful peacefulness.

Kamui kept his grasp of the blanket as he forced his voice silent. He couldn't complain, not now. Not after making the offer.

But there were times. Times he wanted to complain. He was too young, at least for someone as old as Subaru. He should have been with someone his age. Especially being this deep into the 'relationship' (if it could even be called that). He had wanted to save his body for when he was a little older. And share the experience with a boy or girl closer to his age.

He had planned on more then being a pity fuck.

'_That's all I am,_' Kamui thought sadly, his heart breaking yet again.

Above him he could feel Subaru's thrusts become more rapid, stronger, deeper. He was coming close to his end. Biting his lip Kamui closed his eyes, waiting for it to end. Waiting for when he could walk out and slip into his room and hide under his blankets as he tried to ignore the dirtiness that crept under his skin.

Grunting Subaru pushed deeply, his body shuddering as he released deep inside Kamui's body. With a whimpered moan he called out one name, the only name in his mind the entire time. "Seishirou."

Kamui tasted copper as he chewed on his lip, eyes clenched tightly. He did not want to see. To feel. Sometimes he wished he could just become numb to the feelings. Numb to the experience. Kamui didn't know how much more he could take before he lost it all.

Subaru silently pulled out and tugged on his pants again. They never fully undressed, instead just enough to get the deed done before leaving again.

Without a second glance or word Subaru zipped up, walking towards the door, his mind still lost on the events earlier in the day.

Silently Kamui stared at the hole in the wall, his heart slowly breaking, the pieces dropping one at a time. His legs finally able to relax on the bed as he tugged at his jeans as he tried to steady himself.

This was his decision after all...

His idea to become the pity fuck.

_X-x-x-_

Where did that come from...Hmm I have no idea I swear! Anyways Subaru might have been OOC here, I'm not sure. But really I love the dude I do (he's one of my faves). But the way I see it him and Kamui are the ones in most need of psych help, I mean look at what they hafta go through!

Anyways if you want to please leave an opinion- good or bad, just to let me know how it was.


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